Emotions at War
by Vertical Orbit
Summary: It's hard enough to be away from the one you love. But it's even harder to watch them leave for war without being able to stop them. And Roxas will have to live with that.  AkuRoku, some RikuSora and various others. YAOI
1. The End

**Megan wants you to know: **Take everything I say about the army with a grain of salt. I don't really know too much, and I'm going off what people tell me. My boyfriend is doing this whole thing, so it's been a learning process. If you find something that sticks out as wrong to you, please tell me so I can go back and fix it! Actually, if anything is wrong at all, tell me. I don't have a beta reader and I don't catch everything when I read through it.

ALSO DON'T BE CONFUSED BY CHAPTER ONE'S TITLE. It'll make sense, trust me. Just go with it!

**Other things Megan wants you to know: **Separate what I've written here from what is usually true in society. It's fiction, so I've kinda stretched the truth a little far. None of it is way out there as far as fiction is concerned, but mostly with army things. Like I said, still learning.

**Everything else: **This was written to a 90's alternative/grunge radio station on Pandora. Also, I don't own Kingdom Hearts, and please review if you like!

* * *

**Chapter One**

The End

Indiana University had a program for students that wanted to join the army. It's referred to as ROTC, which stands for Reserve Officer Training Corps. Roxas can't remember the day Axel told him he was considering on joining. He also couldn't remember the day Axel told him that he was going to do it. Roxas didn't think anything of it. Sure, Axel was busier than usual. He had to get up early some days for training. He had to stay late some days for lab. And to make it easier on him, Roxas made sure that his gear was always clean and ironed.

He had to admit that the uniform turned him on, at least a little bit.

Axel came home from his usual day at university, tired and sore from having to get up early that morning, and slumped down on the couch in their living room. They lived together in a one bedroom apartment that had a small kitchen and dining area to the right of the entrance and to the left was a decent sized living room. They had saved up for a large wide screen television, which Axel promptly turned on to the Discovery channel when he got home. Past the living room was the hallway with a door to the laundry room and bathroom on the right, and the door on the left led to their bedroom.

Roxas came out of the bedroom when he heard Axel come in, walked over, and leaned down to kiss him on the head.

"What's for dinner tonight?" Axel asked as he grabbed Roxas's arm and pulled the boy down on his lap. He buried his head in Roxas's chest.

"I thought maybe we could go out tonight. Some of our friends are getting together at the bars later."

Axel sighed in content. "That would be nice. We'll eat first, then hang out? I kinda want some 'me and you' time."

Roxas laughed. "You get me all the time."

"But that doesn't mean I don't want it!" Axel tossed Roxas down on the couch, and proceeded to sprawl out over him. "I want you all the time. Everyday."

All Roxas could do was smile.

They laid together for a few minutes, cuddled up on the couch as Cash Cab played on the TV. It was one of their favorite shows to watch together, and whenever a question was asked, they would race to be the first to answer. _"In the Hans Christian Andersen story, what tiny item did the Princess feel through a stack of mattresses?"_ Ben Bailey asked a group of what looked like sorority girls.

Roxas shouted first before Axel could even get a chance. "A pea!"

"You jerk!"

They laughed. On the show, one of the girls answered, _"Um... I think we're gonna go with a needle?"_ And then there was the usual pause that Ben Bailey likes to trick people with, and said, _"Ooh, sorry girls! The correct answer is a pea. She felt a pea through the mattresses."_ And then there was a collective moan from the sorority girls in the back seat.

Axel sat up and got off the couch. "Well, I'm going to take a shower. Be ready to go in half an hour?"

Roxas smiled. "Sure."

* * *

Axel had dressed in a nice black button down collar shirt. He wore a loose green tie and it accentuated his eyes, and Roxas loved that. Roxas wore something similar, but in blue with the sleeves rolled up and the shirt left unbuttoned, a wife beater underneath it. He made sure to have his hemp bracelet with three tiny green beads, and Axel wore his but with blue beads. They decided to dress casual formal, both wearing khaki pants and tennis shoes.

Axel was driving, and didn't tell Roxas what restaurant they were driving to. It wasn't a surprise, but Roxas asked him to pick, and Axel didn't want to tell yet. The whole way, Roxas kept asking. And Axel just told him, "Why don't you wait and see?"

Finally, Roxas gave up and turned on the radio to B97. Black Eyed Peas were playing, and Roxas cranked the volume up as loud as it could go. Windows rolled down, bobbing his head to the synthesized tunes. Axel wasn't a huge fan, but he wasn't going to stop Roxas from having fun. The sight of his smile brought a smile to him. It made him warm inside.

Third street was one of the most popular roads in Bloomington and connected downtown to the west side. When they got to the intersection that led to a road with popular dinner spots, Roxas knew where they were going. "Texas Roadhouse! No way. You read my mind."

Axel waggled his eyebrows. "I know you, babe. I know everything about you."

When they finally arrived, there was a bit of a wait. Roxas couldn't ignore some of the strange looks from the older couples. Axel just smirked and made it worse by causing a small scene in the waiting area as he playfully kissed his boyfriend. Roxas was blushing bright red. An older man sitting near them scoffed and mumbled something about queers, but Axel ignored it and whispered to Roxas to let it go, too.

The hostest called Axel's name after a new minutes and led them to their table. Roxas immediately devoured a roll with tons of cinnamon butter. Axel watched him with a stupid grin on his face.

Roxas looked up at him and cocked his head with slight confusion written on his face. "What, do I have butter on my cheek?"

Axel had to laugh at that. "No silly..." He paused, still smiling like an idiot. "I love you."

Cheesy grin, and Roxas replied, "I love you too" with a mouth full of bread.

After drink orders came and food orders were put in, Roxas spoke up. "Why haven't you introduced me to any of your army friends?" Genuine hurt showed on his face.

Axel looked down at the table, not sure what to say or how to say it. "You know how the repealed the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy?" He asked, and Roxas nodded his head. "Well, that doesn't mean I can be open about it. I mean..." He bit his lip, paused for a moment. "I mean, I will catch serious flack from my platoon if they found out."

"Yeah but-"

"Let's say they found out and we were called up for duty. We're fighting in a war now. Do you think that most of them would save me if I were to get shot or wounded? You think they'd fight to the death with me? You think they'd stay on my side...?"

Roxas looked away from him. He didn't say anything for a few minutes. With a sigh, he said, "I'm sorry I brought it up."

Axel reached across the table and grabbed his hand, giving it a small squeeze. "Don't worry about it."

* * *

Axel and Roxas were the first of the crew to arrive at the bars. Brother's was one of the only bars in Bloomington that didn't charge cover on the weekends, and that's where the gang had arranged to meet. Axel took the first seat available at the bar and ordered a beer. Roxas sat down next to him and ordered a rum and coke.

"You took my seat," someone said from behind him, and Roxas turned around with a huge grin.

"Hey, Riku!" He said right as Sora popped out from behind him. "And Sora, naturally."

The four boys moved to a booth to wait for the others. Axel sat on the outside across from Riku. Drinks were served, and within minutes Sora was giggling to himself about everything.

"So..." Riku began as he took a sip of his drink, "...how's it goin', Ax? Haven't seen you in a bit."

Axel smirked. "School's rough. I've been busier lately. The army thing takes a lot of my time."

"I'm sure. How are you handling that, Roxas?"

Roxas shrugged and sipped on his rum and coke. He leaned his head against Axel's shoulder. "Fine."

Sora squinted his eyes as if trying to focus on something particular about Axel, and shouted, "Are they gonna make you cut your hair?"

Axel nodded. "Eventually, yeah. I usually just slick it back. But when they call me up for duty, I'll probably shave it all off."

"You will look awful bald." A new voice said from behind him.

"Thanks, Zexion. You're so sweet."

Zexion swung his head to the side to move his bangs, typical trait of someone with his hair cut, and said, "That's why I'm here."

More of their friends showed up within the hour. Sora was still drunk by the time they decided to walk down Kirkwood and go to Nick's, a popular Hoosier bar, to play a fun game of Sink the Biz, which consisted of Axel winning the game and Sora giving up to puke in the bathroom about half way through. Kairi and Namine didn't want to participate in the game since it was the dirtiest drinking game besides beer pong in the history of drinking games. They stood at the bar and tried to pick up guys to take home for the evening.

Axel suddenly caught the attention of two people he knew from ROTC, and rushed away from the table. "Hey guys, what's up?"

Roxas watched as Axel got up from the table mid-sentence to walk over to the blonde and black haired guys that were drinking a few feet away. He assumed that the men were part of his platoon, since the only friends Roxas didn't know were the ones in the army. He would later learn that the black haired one was And then he frowned, and realized he wouldn't be able to go over and meet them. That would be a little odd, and he didn't want to make things hard for Axel.

But Riku realized what was going on, and leaned across the table to tell him it was all ok. "Don't worry about it. He's not excluding you. He's thinking about you."

Roxas nodded. "But it still doesn't make me feel good."

"I know."

And that was that.

When Roxas looked back over, Axel had pulled his phone out of his pocket and excused himself from the conversation, waving goodbye as he started to head off into the other room. And then he stopped, a look of understanding and sadness on his face. When he hung up the phone and turned to look at Roxas, and that's when Roxas's world fell apart.

* * *

He was going off to war.

Roxas watched as he packed up his gear. He'd grown accustomed to seeing it lying around his apartment, usually thrown off in a heat of pleasure, crumpled up on the floor. During the day, Roxas would iron it, because a wrinkled uniform would get him in trouble. But now it would be gone, and Roxas would have to realize that. Everything was different now.

He sat down on the bed, watching the floor. He listened to Axel pace back and forth, making sure he had everything he needed. And Roxas spoke, "When do you think you'll be back?"

A sigh as he stopped. "I don't know."

"Axel..."

Roxas looked up then, and Axel was walking towards him. He knelt down, cupped Roxas's cheek in his hand and rubbed lightly with his thumb. "You knew what was going to happen."

But Roxas didn't want to believe that it would happen, not now, not ever. No one wants their lover to go off to fight in a war. It's a horror everyday. You watch the news, read the newspaper, and worry every time you get word that someone else was killed during a horrible battle. Roxas was afraid.

"I just..." His voice broke, and he tried to hold back the tears.

Axel wrapped his arms around the boy, held him tight, didn't want to let go. "I'll be back, babe. This isn't forever."

"But what if-"

"No. I have something I really want to come back to." Axel smirked, and pulled back to look Roxas in the eye. "Something I don't want to lose. I know that makes me a romantic sap, but hey," he paused, and used his thumb to wipe away the tears that broke free, "it's the truth."

Axel kissed him, just a light kiss, and stood up to continue packing his things.

Four years seemed like a long time, now.

They packed everything in the car, and Roxas drove Axel to the airport an hour from their little apartment in southern Indiana. Axel leaned over to give him a kiss when they arrived. Roxas watched as Axel got out of the car. Roxas watched as Axel walked away. And Roxas cried when Axel turned around to wave good bye. What he wouldn't know is that Axel cried that day, too.


	2. The Beginning

**Megan wants you to know:** This chapter is really slow. It's filler. Nothing really happens. But I needed some filler before what I wrote for chapter three. See, I kinda wrote chapter three out of place and then realized I needed something before it. So, this is what I ended up with.

**Other notes:** I wrote this to more 90s grunge/alternative and a bit to Nobou Uematsu pieces.

**Chapter Two**

The Beginning

It was going to be a long 18 months.

Roxas sat on his couch in the living room, staring at the ceiling with a vacant expression. He'd been sitting there for the last half hour, if not more, trying to decide what to do next. After cleaning every room in the apartment, organizing each bookshelf and DVD shelf alphabetically, and playing three solid hours of Left 4 Dead, he was at a loss of what to do. And he had two hours before his shift at TGIF.

He picked up his cell phone, and turned it on to see if anything had happened since he looked at it five minutes ago. No text messages or missed calls. No emails. No facebook notifications. He turned off the screen and put it back down with a heavy sigh.

When he let his mind wander, he thought about what Axel might be doing. At this point, he was probably at a base on the east coast, preparing to fly over to Afganistan or Iraq. Axel had said he would be able to call for a few minutes just to let him know, so that Roxas could inform his family and friends. Axel had appointed him with a power of attorney (which Roxas only understood as a legal document that allowed him to sign for Axel in his absence), and given him logins and passwords for most of his online accounts. Axel wouldn't be allowed to look at any of it for a while, and Roxas was in charge of keeping it all in order.

And, as strange as it was, they combined their bank accounts so that Roxas could also keep all of Axel's finances in order. Roxas had been obsessively checking it every day (Axel had only been gone a few days), as if something was going to go wrong and Roxas would be screwed out of an apartment. He couldn't hold on to the dinky place on his job. He only got so many hours, and only so much in tips.

He finally got fed up with waiting around, and called Sora. He could hang out with his cousin for an hour until he had to go in for his shift.

"Hello?" Sora's voice sounded a little groggy, like Roxas had woken him up from a nap or something.

"Hey bro."

"Oh, hey! What's up?" In the background, Roxas heard Riku groan and sounds of bed sheets shifting.

"I'm sorry if I interrupted anything," Roxas paused, slightly embarrassed. "I just wanted to hang out until I had to go in for work."

"Sure, come on over."

* * *

Sora lived on the opposite side of Bloomington in a house with his parents. It was a nice little home, three rooms and two baths, a nice backyard that he and Sora played in when Roxas visited as a kid. Roxas loved the feel of it, how much it made him feel at home. Sure, living on his own in an apartment was nice, but it didn't have the same feel as a real home. Especially now that Axel was away.

Axel. The tiniest thought of him always brought a smile to Roxas's face.

Sora's mom, Julie, was holding the door open as Roxas pulled in to the driveway. She was the epitome of a house wife. The dress, the hair, the motherly compassion. This was the opposite of her sister, Rebecca (Roxas's mom). Roxas liked being around Julie more, but that's because his mom was much more of a tight ass. He won't admit that to either of them, but Julie was one of the reasons he wanted to go to Indiana University instead of the college in Lafayette, his hometown.

"Hey, Aunt Julie!" Roxas said as he approached her.

Julie greeted him with a hug, and whispered into his ear, "Are you doing ok?"

Roxas just squeezed her a little tighter. "I'm fine." He whispered back. Sure, it was a lie, but she didn't need to know everything. He wasn't about to break down, not while Sora and Riku were around.

"Well," She let go of him and turned around, leading him into the house, "I'm almost done with dinner. We're having cheeseburgers!"

Roxas laughed and walked back to Sora's room. He made sure to knock, heard a faint, "hang on" from Sora, and a lot of rustling around. He was probably trying to find all of his clothes. He heard a loud crash and Riku's laugh. Roxas wasn't sure if he wanted to know what those two did in their spare time or why it took Sora so long to find his clothes. Eventually, he opened the door, a nervous smile stretched across his face.

"Find everything?" Roxas asked.

Sora blushed. "Oh, shut up."

"Dinner!" Julie shouted from across the house, and Sora charged past Roxas, giggling.

"I don't know how you deal with it, Riku."

Riku shrugged. "He's too cute."

They joined Sora and his mom at the dinner table. Cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese, Sora's favorite meal in the world. Roxas had it once every couple of times he was over at their house. It was better than the grub he was coming up with to eat. It's hard to cook for one person.

"So, have you heard from Axel?" Sora asked, Riku kicked him lightly in the shin for asking so bluntly.

Roxas stared at his food intently, trying to hold it all together. His emotions were barreling out of control, and it took a lot to keep cool and collected. He didn't let people see him in a vulnerable state. "No." He finally replied. "Not yet."

Julie patted Roxas on the shoulder, gave him a soft smile. "It's gonna be ok. We're all here for you."

"...thanks."

Dinner passed by without much talking after that. By the time it was over with, Roxas had to leave for work. He waved his goodbyes, thankful for a nice family dinner. However, with nothing to go home to, it was going to be a long shift.

* * *

Roxas was going to slit someone's throat. After all the children spilling their drinks all over the floor, the customers that complain about everything and never leave a tip, the girls that flaunt their chests at him as if he will give them free desserts or drinks, he was finally glad to be free. He didn't get paid nearly enough to deal with the types of people that came into the restaurant. However, he was carrying almost a hundred bucks worth of tips for the night, which made it a little easier. But only a little.

His drive home was uneventful, his nightly routine the same, and as he crawled into his bed he tried to forget the world. The less he thought about it, the easier it was to sleep.

But he couldn't get the red head out of his mind.

"Axel…" he whispered out loud to his empty bedroom, bringing his arm up to cover his eyes to block out the moonlight shining in through his window. He rolled over on his side. He rolled over on his other side. He rolled onto his stomach.

He turned on Pandora radio on his computer. Maybe listening to music would tune out his thoughts. Maybe he would focus on the words and eventually trail off into dreamland.

Eventually he slammed his laptop closed. Pandora wasn't working.

Nothing was working. All he could think about was how much he missed Axel.

Roxas got up at that point, walked into his bathroom and dug through their medicine drawer. He found a bottle of Nyquil and stared at it. He knew he shouldn't be using it to help him sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about everything, he knew it wouldn't solve any problems. But when nothing else would work, sometimes you have to get desperate.

He took a swig, made a face of disgust as it ran down his throat with a tingly and minty sensation. And as he crawled back in bed and started to drift off, he began to wonder if he could really handle a year and a half of this.


End file.
